| To my dearest in the down-under...far far away from where I belong now at the very moment... It has been more than a year since I last heard from you..I guess you are going well with ur current relationship and life...but..hopefully u'll still remember someone like me who've trespassed your life....I've been trying really hard to find my own life here in this cold empty place without your existence...and after 3 years of blind dating....I guess I've finally found the one whom I think could somehow replace your position in my heart..I feel guilty by saying this..but he has your smile...which is soo amazing... There is this one thing I really couldn't figure it out till now thought...him and I share the very common scar that lies within...and that is..he had this really good girlfriend of his in England for 3 years..and from what I know thus far..their relationship was as good as our...and he could also tolerate her for more than you could ever imagine...and their relationship was very stable...not until they had to move apart just like is...isn't that such a coincident? while at the same time..I feel extremely sad and unsettled at this very moment.. I personally know very well that I could never replace her position in his heart..as soon as I know his life and his hobbies has already been scalped by his ex-gf very much..and this thought has been confirmed by seeing him watching cartoons today at my place...he explained to me that he once thought cartoon was not for his age...not until he met his ex-gf whom loves jap cartoons soo much that she would watch it every single day...whenever this thought comes to me..then I would think..I seriously hope that I was studying in england..spending all my time with you in the past and hopefully I'll understand more of you that way..but whenever I come to think that I'm too late for this ...it hurts... the memories you had with her..the way you have been shaped by her really kills me..and that's probably the only reason why I drank so much tonite.and also why I started writing in this blog again...I have so much to tell..but as usual..I have no way to express myself..partly to blame for my lack of expertise in expressing myself fully.. however..what I can tell you is that..I'm realli jealous of your ex-gf..and the way you both have spent your lives together.....hahaha.. man..I guess I've too drunk..and that's why I've been blabbering on here in this blog..not realli knowing where I'm getting at ... |
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| Insomnia has become part of my life.... At times I can really see myself in other people's shoe and try to forgive and forget the things they have done to me....I do understand that people do have mood swings....and there's alys a cause n' effect regarding people's actions....Even myself...I alys tend to do things deliberately to make people upset or mad due to my bad mood (and I am really sorry for my immature act)...But I guess by living in this world for 20+ years..we should start being responsible for our own actions...and to somehow look after other people's feelings from time to time... If you ask why don't people care abt your feelings..hv u ever ask urself whether you have done the same thing urself? I tried to forgive your attitude but I found it impossible...cause it's too ridiculous...and I am feeling as though I'm treated with disrespect! I shall hold onto my current emotions...and let it out when everything is over.. |
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| My life has been cursed?...or is it my pessimistic attitude towards my fate have caused such a dramatic mood change in me? Although the trip wasn't all that planned..and I was not that enthusiatic towards it.....but still.....I can't deny that I am a little...just a little disappointed...and feeling so isolated....I just hope that I could just go to work..and make my life a little busier....instead of just waiting......for nth realli... Don't feel like moving out of my room...decrease in appetite again....don't want to talk to noone...and getting mad at the tiniest things ever....haha....well well......hope life can just somehow goes as planned...to just make my life a little more easier...and brighter... Am I asking for too much?...I just hate being left alone...although I understand all the rationale behind these..but at times i'm tired of being too considerate....I want to be selfish at times..and to have my feelings taken care of.....just for once in a while... |
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| I was suppose to update this few days ago....haha..but stuff it....My head was filled with tonnes of things so that I had no chance to write in here... It took me more than 2 years before I have the courage to write in here again......not that I am TOTALLY over all the things that have happened to me the past years...it's just that....I am back to the state where I am completely lost...insecure and deeply hurt....... Would anyone deliberately hurt the one you love so deeply?.... By deliberately....I mean...that even if you know that the actions you are/going to take will hurt him/her.. u'll still go ahead...due to tonnes of excuses you give to yourself??!..... I don't blame noone..cause I've hurt the one I loved so much.......and the pain I'm experiencing now...I guess is the beginning of the pay-back of my immature actions..... I would do anything than to go for the vacation coming up this June....I'd stay home and bored myself with tv shows than having to pretend that I enjoy the GOD DAMN TRIP!! Thanks for those who wrecked my vacation! God bless! |
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| I deliberately chose to update my blog today....It has been a year since I last update this blog....althought a year is not a long time...but alot of things have changed...
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